As I am sitting here writing this post, I am still battling to believe it all happened 13 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. This day 13 years ago I was given my very own Guardian Angel to watch over me forever.
Everything was perfect
The 3rd of May 2004 was a Monday, I was 19 ½ weeks pregnant with a beautiful little girl. Her name was Gabriella – she was to be known as Gabby to those close to her – her second name was Patricia, after my Grandmother. I had been for an antenatal check up on the Thursday before and everything was A-Ok. She was growing nicely, had a strong heart beat and everything was right on track.
I started having pains on the Sunday while sitting at my Mom’s house. I placed a warm heat bag to my tummy to try ease the discomfort. I had had these types of pains before, I was told it was the ligaments that were stretching so I wasn’t too worried. But as the pain persisted throughout the night, I got a little more concerned and I made an appointment to see my Gynae that morning.
Things go horribly wrong
The pain had increased gradually, I figured it was because I was more aware of it now. You know how when you think of something it gets worse right, so I figured this was the same. I was still in high spirits, I was feeling ok, I knew everything was ok with Gabby as I had had a check-up 4 days before. I thought I was being paranoid.
It turns out I wasn’t being paranoid. I was in early labour. I had everything for her birth planned, I was going to have a natural water birth in September/October. What I was not prepared for was Gabby’s birth 5 months early. There was nothing that could be done to stop the contractions, I was too far along in the labour. The only thing that could be done was to give me Pethidine to try ease the discomfort.
My Angel Child
Gabriella was born on Monday the 3rd May 2004 naturally. Physically she was perfect, small but perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 arms, 2 legs, a body and head. 2 ears, 2 eyes, a mouth and nose. The delivery was complication free. I knew at some point while I was in labour that she was not going to make it, I knew she was far too little, that she wouldn’t breath and once I had come to terms with that myself the rest of the labour was easy. It was excruciating, I wont lie. Physically I could have died a million times but I was at peace with it in my heart – I dont know how better to explain it.
I had been in labour for more than 24 hours, I had given birth, but that night I walked out of the hospital with empty arms and an empty womb. As empty as I was, my Mom was too. She had been there the whole time and there was nothing she could do. She couldn’t stop the pain, she wasn’t able to stop events from happening. I am grateful that she was with me the whole time, but it’s only now when I am a Mom do I have some sort of understanding how hard that day must have been for her.
Healing takes time
It took me a long time to heal. The physical healing was a lot quicker than the emotional healing. Physically once my milk stopped producing and my tummy had gone down to its pre-pregnancy size, the physical evidence was gone. For some reason my boobs never reduced – now explain that one to me!
Emotionally it took longer to heal, years in fact. It’s taken 13 years to tell someone what happened that day in 2004. I think the final piece of the healing process has fallen into place. My eyes still leak, often, sometimes more than I care to admit and especially around this time of year. As much as I wanted Gabby to be mine, the timing just wasn’t meant to be and who am I to argue with a bigger picture plan. I learnt many many lessons during that time, and the years to follow. Lessons that have made me a better and stronger person today.
13 years ago, my Guardian Angel came into my life. My life was changed forever.